I think life is one of the most beautiful things ever. I just can’t wrap my mind around how we’re all different people in different places all over the world. We all have stories to tell and we all have been through struggles.
but the fact that we’re all unique. Every single one of us can make choices in our lives that will effect it forever.
Fuck society. Fuck normality. Get piercings. Get tattoos. Do drugs. Get high. Drink 'till you pass out. Have sex. Love with all your heart. Play the music loud. Live your fucking life. Fuck what people expect of you. Do what makes you happy.
If you can’t, you never meant it in the first place. And this goes for anyone. Think about it. When someone says sorry to you, don’t you want to believe they mean it? You don’t wanna get your hopes up, then watch them all go down on you. So if it can’t be proven, forget it.
When I’m in a fight with someone, my heart gives up on them. Something tells me that they aren’t worth fighting anymore. Something tells me that they just wasted my time & they didn’t do any good in my life. Then, there’s my heart..begging to have them back & go back to the past..when things were good.
I know that sometimes I act like a bitch..a tough girl that knows how to defend or protect herself. But in reality, I’m as weak as a bug. I try to keep my head help high. I try to look confident. I try to walk straight and look like I know what I’m doing with life. I don’t want people to see my real side..my weak side..my pushover side. I just don’t want to be taken advantage of anymore.
Somewhere along the line, things just began to change and fall apart into pieces. I don't know how or why, all I know is that it did. I hate it more than anything, but it's life and I've got to learn to accept that.
You don’t even smile when I talk to you these days. I try to make you laugh. You’re happy with all your other friends but not when you’re with me. Why?D: I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m trying my best. I really am..but I guess my best isn’t good enough for you. I can’t live up to you expectations & it sucks..cause I’ll do anything for you. Anything to make you happy..even if it means me being unhappy. Really. I mean it. All I want is to see that smile on your face & to know that I’m the reason that you’re smiling again.
I think the most beautiful people are the ones who went through the toughest situations in life but still manage to keep a smile on their face, especially if they have a bright personality to go along with that smile.
I remember when you were fighting my fights for me.
I didn’t appreciate it then. It angered me. I felt like you were breaking our family apart. I remember you suffered for me & Tan. Ofcourse, I start realizing how hard it is to be the eldest in the house when you’re gone. I remember yelling at you & texting you saying “Look what you’ve done.” or “Stop ruining our family.” or “Dad is mad at us BECAUSE OF YOU.” and you said “Wait til the future. You’ll realize that everything I’m doing is for you. This is all so dad won’t repeat his actions in the future.” I wish you were here for me to thank you. Things could have been much worse. I guess I need to just get used to you not being around during these things. You aren’t there to stick up for me anymore. You’re 260 miles away. 5 hours by car. WHAT IS THIS. I know I could just oovoo you or something, but it’s not the same. Ate, come home already! There’s no way I can wait like a month or two to see you!
Hey, I know everything seems to be going wrong right now, but I promise you, mark my words, everything will get better. You’re sick of hearing that it’s a “rough patch” and you’re overreacting. Sometimes, we God gives us all these miseries to just make us stronger. You’ve been through so much stuff starting from when you were just a little kid, stuff which a lot of people who are older than us have never been through. Even though you may not believe it, you are strong and you can get through anything even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Parents don’t want to show it sometimes, but they’ll always love you unconditionally and trust me, your dad loves you and he is proud of you, and he will always be proud of you, no matter what he portrays on the outside. Right now, you need to focus on yourself for a change and be the best that you can be, rather than what people want you to be. Feel better and I’ll always be there for you <3
Believe me, the last thing I need is another problem in my life. So, if you're planning on hurting me, leave now. Come back later & try to ruin my life then. If you're jealous that my life is "perfect" you shouldn't be.
People tell me I’m “so lucky.” That I “get everything I want,” that I’m “smart,” that I’m “pretty,” and that I’m “strong.” None of that crap is true. It’s very superficial. In society, we think that’s it’s not right to be fake, but I think there are certain exceptions. I must confess that I am really fake sometimes. I hide under a shell like a turtle, and put on a mask. I don’t want people to know what I’m going through. I’m not “lucky.” Maybe I’m lucky to have a roof over my head, food, and a healthy family. I don’t get “everything I want.” Yes, my parents buy me stuff, but not everything. And why does what I want need to be materialistic? What I really want is for my family to love me & accept me for the person I’ve become. I want my parents to be proud of me & tell me it & show it. I don’t want it to be an obligation for them to take care of me. I’m not “smart.” Well, not compared to the kids in my school atleast. I try to do good, but I can’t do it all. I’m “pretty?” Not in my eyes. All I see is flaws..I may find one good thing about myself, but then I find a flaw to cover that one bit of beauty. Last, why do I come off as “strong?” I do go through a lot, but I’m only one person. Other kids have it much worse. I cry all the time..how does that make me strong? I think I’m one of the weakest people on Earth..I mean, if I can’t even get through my teenage problems, then how am I supposed to survive “the real world” in the future?
I cry & you laugh at me. You tell your friends that I’m stupid. You tell them I’m overdramatic. You think I’m crying for attention. Dad, I cry because you mean so much to me & you’ve made it so obvious that I’m just another person in your life. You act like you care about me..like you love me, but I see right through it. I try so hard in school & I stress over it. Then, you tell me that it’s my fault that I’m stressed? You get mad because I have no more social life. You tell me I don’t know how to take care of my friends. You tell me all I care about is school & my boyfriend. It’s not true, but even if it were, shouldn’t that be okay? Shouldn’t that be good enough? Wouldn’t you want your daughter to graduate highschool with straight A’s and in all honors? Wouldn’t you want her to grow up to be successful? Wouldn’t you want her to be settled with one guy rather than be whoring about with 5? Isn’t it okay for her to have that one boy in highschool that actually takes care of her? I just don’t understand. I have to hold in my tears sometimes, and it hurts. My heart is aching & it isn’t even over some boy..it’s over my own father. You have no right to even call me your daughter. If mom never signed those papers saying it was okay for me to see you every weekend, believe me, I wouldn’t. Everytime I see you, I come back to mom’s in tears. Why do you tell your friends the bad things about me? I wish they knew that you were the reason why I’m so messed up.
It’s funny because I really thought telling you a little bit of the real me would bring us closer. I thought you’d really start to get me. The real me. But you don’t. It seems like you won’t even accept me now. I’m sorry for any of my wrong doings. I’m finally starting to tell you stuff, and you get mad at me for it. But what am I supposed to do? I’m taking off my shell & showing my real self. You don’t like the real Darrian. Does that mean our friendship has been a lie? What does that make us now? :(
When people asked me why, I said I just didn’t feel good & that I didn’t do my homework. That’s only 25% of the real truth. I actually skipped because I need a break. I don’t know why I thought staying home would help me, because I got that “break” that I wanted for a day & I still feel the same way as I did last night. And when I try to vent to people, I cry and cry. Not because I’m sad but because they don’t understand where I’m coming from. Yeah, I know we all have our problems, but I wish you could experience what I have. I hate having to look into your eyes, because I know that you are trying to understand but you can’t. You say you “know how I feel” but in reality, you don’t. You never will. Now, I’m scared to tell anyone, because I don’t want you to look at me as if I’m a crazy person.
It annoys me SO much when people tag themselves in their own albums/pictures. Obviously, we know who you are & which one you are in the picture. FREAKIN GOSH. If we didn’t know what you looked like then why would we be friends on facebook? We know how to look at your albums, so why the hell do you need to tag yourself in them?! And then we click on “view photos of ___” and you have like a thousand tagged pictures..but then they’re all from your own albums. Well, aren’t you popular..HAHAHA.
He doesn’t make me feel loved or wanted. He makes me feel unneeded. I feel as thought I’m just there for other reasons. I can’t stand his obnoxious ways. But within all of that anger, I still find that unconditional love that I have for him. I love him, and I’m a fool.